If you’re reading this, you or someone you know is trying to give up porn and needs some assistance. The good news is that, in the vast majority of cases, you won’t need to go to an expensive rehab or retreat to get rid of porn. As I previously stated in this series, after reading a slew of books and countless blog and forum postings on “porn addiction recovery,” I discovered that the majority of the advice given is the same advice that therapists and cognitive psychologists would give to someone trying to break a bad habit as minor as swearing or fingernail biting. While there are some differences, quitting porn is essentially the same as quitting any other bad habit.
It’s important to remember that there’s no magic bullet for quitting any habit, whether it’s smoking, drinking soda, or watching porn. It takes time, discipline, and dedication to change one’s habits, and the process is unique to each person.
Progress isn’t always linear. You’ll feel like you’re well on your way to breaking the bad habit and replacing it with a new one some weeks, and then you’ll have setbacks that make you feel bad. That’s normal. The key is to not wallow in your setback but to dust yourself off, and get back in the saddle.
You won’t find it here if you’re looking for that one thing that will solve all of your problems. The majority of the advice and suggestions below are likely familiar to you. The only “secret” to habit formation is having the determination to carry out your plans. Experiment with the various suggestions below to see what works best for you.
Reboot and Rewire
Before we get into the exact ideas and techniques for quitting porn, it’s vital to recognize the two main aspects of the process in your brain: rebooting and rewiring.
Rebooting
The brain reduces the number of dopamine receptors in response to the flood of dopamine that comes with constant and increasing porn consumption. Erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, melancholy, and social anxiety may be caused by this blunting of dopamine sensitivity.
The term “rebooting” refers to removing all artificial sexual stimuli from the brain so that dopamine receptors that have been lost due to excessive consumption of pornography can be restored and replenished. Rebooting is a metaphor borrowed from the computer sector, as Gary Wilson points out in Your Brain on Porn: “By avoiding artificial sexual stimulation, you are effectively shutting down and restarting your brain, returning it to its factory settings.” The goal of rebooting is to relive your life before pornography.
It may take weeks or months to observe an improvement in porn-related difficulties, according to men who have quit and Wilson’s experience while working with these men. Wilson has identified two types of rebooting recovery patterns: One group of men will see improvements in porn-induced ED and other issues in as little as 2-3 weeks. The other group, which he refers to as “long-reboot,” can take anywhere from two to six months to fully recover.
This group of men typically began accessing online porn at an early age and have been doing so for a long time. Some long-reboot describes having a “flatline” during their brain reset, in which they lose all interest in sex for a period of time. Once the flatline has passed, their desire for natural sexual stimulation resurfaces.
The most important thing to remember when rebooting is to avoid all artificial sexual stimulation. Pornography is an obvious no-no, but veteran reboot also advises avoiding “erotic literature,” sexual YouTube videos, Victoria’s Secret catalogs, and other such items. Porn fantasies should also be avoided.
Artificial sexual stimulation should be avoided during the reboot phase, but natural sexual stimulation, such as actual sex, is acceptable. Some argue that sexual fantasies (about real-life sex) and masturbation are also acceptable, but others will have religious objections. While natural sexual stimulation is acceptable, some reboot veterans advise abstaining from all sex and masturbation for a period of time to help speed up the process. Because each man’s needs and beliefs are unique, experimenting is essential.
If you’ve had problems as a result of your heavy porn use, the reboot phase is a must-do first step for you, and our suggestions below will assist you.
If you haven’t had any problems with porn, you may not notice any significant changes in yourself other than the fact that you’re no longer using porn.
Finally, if you don’t see any improvements after a long reboot, you should consider the possibility that you have an underlying sexual or erectile health problem that isn’t related to porn, and you may require additional treatment.
Rewiring
If you can’t seem to stop watching porn, it’s because you’ve likely developed a strong habit in your brain’s reward circuitry. Your internet porn use has rewired your neurons so that whenever you encounter an external or internal cue associated with porn, You switch to autopilot and begin the process of looking for it. Sitting at your computer when no one else is nearby, for example, can serve as a cue to click on porn sites almost automatically.
The rewiring phase’s purpose is to replace the habit of looking at porn when you see a cue for it with something that isn’t looking at internet porn. If you have a journal next to your computer, for example, the first thing you do when you sit down is write a few sentences in it. We’re swapping out a bad habit for a good one.
When it comes to habit change and “rewiring,” keep the following in mind: Neuroscientists have discovered that once a habit is encoded in our brain, it never truly vanishes. It’s always on the lookout for the right trigger to start the habit cycle.
The persistence of bad habits should not deter you; according to the most recent habit research, change is still possible. While you may not be able to completely eliminate a bad habit, you can develop more powerful good habits that simply outnumber the bad ones. That’s what rewiring is all about.
The suggestions below will help you stay away from porn throughout the reboot phase, even if the itch is still there, as well as rewire your brain so your no-porn habit sticks.
Tips for Successfully Rebooting, Rewiring, and Quitting Porn Forever
Let’s get down to business and figure out how to stop using porn for good. The following advice and suggestions are based on my years of research into cognitive psychology, as well as reported experiences of guys who have stopped consuming porn. There is no silver bullet, once again. What works for one person might not work for another. You must be willing to explore and attempt new things.
The following advice is divided into two parts: mindset and action.
Mindset
1. Don’t Give Porn Any More Power Than It Deserves
When you refer to pornography as an addiction, you’re implying that it’s difficult to break free, that it’s a struggle, and that relapse is unavoidable — all of which have nothing to do with pornography. When you describe online porn as junk food, however, the solution is clear: don’t eat it.
The use of drugs among D.A.R.E. students have increased! D.A.R.E. inadvertently made drugs appealing by giving them the aura of “forbidden fruit,” luring kids who would not otherwise have considered drugs.
In terms of how we should approach porn, I believe we should learn from Superman’s defeat of the KKK. Superman, to be sure. In some parts of the country, the Ku Klux Klan experienced a resurgence of membership after WWII. Stetson Kennedy, a Florida activist, and folklorist, decided to take on the Klan and began infiltrating meetings in the hopes of uncovering the Klan’s secrets. When Kennedy discovered how Klansmen identified each other, he became enraged. The use of drugs among D.A.R.E. students have increased! D.A.R.E. inadvertently made drugs appealing by giving them the aura of “forbidden fruit,” luring kids who would not otherwise have considered drugs.
In terms of how we should approach porn, I believe we should learn from Superman’s defeat of the KKK. Superman, to be sure. In some parts of the country, the Ku Klux Klan experienced a resurgence of membership after WWII. Stetson Kennedy, a Florida activist, and folklorist, decided to take on the Klan and began infiltrating meetings in the hopes of uncovering the Klan’s secrets. When Kennedy discovered how Klansmen identified each other, he became enraged.
He gave the information to the local police in the hopes that they would use it to begin arresting members of the organization. The police, on the other hand, sat on their hands out of fear of the Klan’s power.
So Stetson went to the producers of the mega-popular Superman radio program and asked if they’d be interested in creating a “Superman vs. the Klan” plotline for the show. The producers agreed, and a 16-episode series starring Superman vs. the Ku Klux Klan was born. Klan secrets such as handshakes, rituals, and passwords were revealed over the series. KKK recruitment dried up almost overnight, and local authorities began cracking down on Klansmen who were flagrantly and openly violating the law.
Why the change? Part of the power of the KKK was their “air of menace” that came with clouding themselves in a shroud of secrecy. The group didn’t seem as frightening or powerful once Superman revealed their secrets.
With porn, I believe we can and should do something similar. Understanding how porn affects your brain and why it’s so appealing is one of the most effective ways to help you avoid consuming it. (Parts 2 and 3 of this series go a long way toward explaining this.) Your attraction to porn is revealed as a perfectly natural drive that’s been hijacked by a supernormal reproductive and evolutionary force, rather than appearing as some mysterious, menacing, unstoppable force.
Once you understand the science behind porn use, you can see it for what it really is: sexual junk food. You don’t give your bag of potato chips a menacing aura of power. It’s just a bag of potato chips. If you want to stop eating potato chips, you should educate yourself about how carbs, protein, and vegetables affect your body, then throw away your chips, stop shopping in the potato chip aisle, and choose for the celery stick at the party. Experiment with internet pornography in the same way.
I understand why some people might think that’s a joke, especially if they’ve witnessed porn wreck marriages and relationships. However, I believe that understanding the problem and making it approachable is the key to success in this case. It puts you in a proactive position where you can begin taking steps to break the habit with confidence.
2. Accept That You’re the Type of Guy Who Watches Porn (And Recognize That Your Goal Is to Become the Type of Guy Who Doesn’t Watch Porn)
“We are what we repeatedly do,” Aristotle stated. And it is correct. Our behavior shapes how we think and feel, as cognitive psychology has repeatedly demonstrated. Who we are is shaped by our actions.
If you watch porn on a regular basis, you must acknowledge that you are the type of guy that watches porn.
That could be a difficult pill to take, especially if pornography violates your religious views. However, labeling your pornographic viewing as an addiction makes the problem more difficult to cure since you’re giving yourself an external locus of control.
Acceptance is not the same as resignation. You’re not bound to spend the rest of your life as “that man who watches porn.” It simply means that you recognize the problem for what it is, allowing you to begin making proactive changes.
Rather than attempting to “cure” the “addiction,” a more beneficial goal is to simply become the type of guy who does not watch porn. I understand. It’s much easier said than done. But consider this: if you picture yourself as a guy who has to work really hard not to look at porn, rather than a guy who just doesn’t look at porn because he has other interests, you’re in for a long struggle.
Acting like a guy who doesn’t look at porn is how you become the “guy who doesn’t look at porn.” Act as though; feign success until you achieve it. I’m not claiming that taking this approach will make things easy, especially when you’re first trying to quit. However, it can make quitting porn feel less like a war and more like an attempt to make a positive change.
3. Deal with the underlying problems
Guys might get depressed as a result of their use of porn, or they can become depressed as a result of their use of porn. If you fall into the latter category, merely giving up porn will not fix all of your problems. As a result, addressing any underlying concerns is a vital first step towards quitting porn. Are you just plain tired of it? Increase your participation in hobbies, social activities, and physical activity. You’ll be surprised how having a fun, full, busy life may eliminate your desire for porn and masturbation. Has your sex life with your significant other come to a halt?
It’s tempting to believe that a change in your life circumstances will be the catalyst for you to finally quit. “I’ll be done with porn after I graduate and become a genuine guy.” “I’ll be done with porn if I have a regular sex life.” “I’m done with porn once I get married and establish a family.” While it’s true that some males simply need a single life trigger like this, expecting it to happen that way will only put off dealing with the underlying issues. If you find yourself making these kinds of excuses, realize that there’s probably something else in your life that needs to be addressed that you can control, even if it’s simply boredom.
4. Have Faith in Your Ability to Change
Yes, you have the ability to alter. Even the most ingrained habits or features can be corrected and improved, according to research. You must, however, think that you can change.
According to Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit, the people who have the most success in changing poor habits simply think that change is possible. The significance of belief in changing behaviors could explain the link between religious belief and the length of time a person stays sober when trying to quit drinking. According to a study, alcoholics who believe in a higher power are more likely to stay on the wagon even during stressful times than those who don’t.
So, if you’re a religious man, be proud of it. Say your prayers, fast, and read the Bible. They can help make not watching porn into a lasting behavior change when combined with some of the approaches listed below.
But what if you aren’t a religious person? But here’s the thing: these same researchers discovered that faith in a higher authority, such as God, isn’t required. All you needed was the ability to trust that things could become better. Being a part of a group of people who have successfully overcome a negative habit might help you believe in yourself. You can glance around the room or the forum and think to yourself, “If it worked for him, it might work for me.”
It is possible to change. You are not bound by your negative habits, but you must believe them in order for them to function completely.
5. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up.
Your emotions can serve as a cue to start looking at porn, as we’ve discussed in earlier articles. When a guy is depressed or down, he will open a browser as a technique to self-soothe. However, many guys who are trying to stop watching porn find that their disappointments make them feel down or depressed, which makes them want to watch porn again. It’s a never-ending circle. Furthermore, as previously mentioned, powerful emotions like shame and guilt can trigger dopamine spikes. So, if you feel a lot of guilt and humiliation following a setback, you might be exacerbating your porn problem.
Accept that you will experience setbacks. You might not, but the majority of men who are trying to quit do. Don’t beat yourself up or wallow in self-pity when setbacks occur. Just acknowledge the setback and get back to work. You might even consider “parenting” oneself like a video game by instituting some kind of rapid, impersonal “penalty” for your transgressions, such as contributing a few dollars to a charity you despise or the political party that opposes yours. The idea is to give negative feedback in a consistent and detached manner.
6. Figure out how to keep and strengthen your willpower.
One of the most difficult aspects of breaking the porn habit is fighting the urge to watch porn when you are confronted with one of your behavioral cues. Willpower is required for this. Read our series on how to develop and conserve your willpower so you can resist the need to scratch your wiener.
The best part is that quitting porn will boost your general willpower supply, giving you more of this powerful force to utilize on all of your other goals.
7. Increase your resiliency
Working on your resilience is one thing that can help you deal with setbacks and change from an external to an internal center of control. We did a complete series on it a few years ago, which you can find on the site for free. Check out our ebook version if you want everything in one spot.
Action
8: Get Rid of Your Pornography
Begin with a clean slate by going through your home and computer and removing any porn from your possessions. Clear the online history, cache, bookmarks, and other items from your computer and smartphone.
9. Break the Habit Cycle
Pay great attention to this, as it is perhaps the most significant tip. We wrote about hacking the habit loop a few years ago, and the rewiring process is roughly the same. Your goal is to figure out what triggers your porn surfing routine and then replace it with something else while maintaining the same reward (or similar). Each time you do so, you’re establishing a fresh reward link, which can eventually outweigh your pornographic routine connection.
The reward your brain craves when you use porn is dopamine, therefore replacing it with something that provides you that hit is the most effective approach to break your habit cycle. Here are some ideas for activities.
- Eat a carb snack
- Exercise
- Play video games
- Take a nap
- Work on a goal
- Call a friend who can make you laugh
Some of these perks aren’t exactly healthy, but they may be the better of two options in your life.
Here’s an example of how the habit loop can be hacked. If boredom is one of your internal cues to look at porn, determine that instead of getting on the computer, where your porn search would almost certainly begin, you will practice your guitar.
For more information on spotting cues and substituting routines, see How to Break the Habit Loop.
10. Be prepared to put your plans into action.
Establishing implementation intentions is a key component of hacking the habit loop. In a nutshell, an implementation intention is a conditional statement that connects a situational cue to a specified action. It’s a strategy for what you’ll do differently when you come across one of your porn triggers.
So, if one of your cues is feeling down, an implementation aim would be: When I’m feeling down, I’ll go outdoors and take a stroll.
If you have several cues, you may need various implementation intentions. It’s also a good idea to have a strategy in place for what you’ll do if you come across porn or a suggestive image that sets off a trigger. It could be anything as extreme as turning off the computer or as easy as closing your browser right away. Alternatively, if you see something on TV, you stand up and leave.
Jumping out of your chair when you see porn may make you feel ridiculous and contradict your image of yourself as cool and rational, but it’s simply a means of getting your brain to stop following the well-worn groove that porn has carved out in your synapses. You need to jolt those neurons awake. Allowing yourself to be cool and calm should not prevent you from making positive changes in your life.
11. Put blocking software on all of your electronic devices.
Many men find that installing blocking software on their gadgets is beneficial, especially in the early stages of rebooting when their resolve is lowest and their want to check porn is the most. It should be mentioned, however, that blocking software is not foolproof and can easily be circumvented. The biggest advantage is that it creates a barrier or speed bump between the cue to watch porn and you rubbing that itch. Hopefully, when you walk through the settings and input passwords to remove the block, you’ll catch yourself and start implementing one of your goals.
Here are a few tips on how to block porn sites that you may find useful.
a. Make use of the parental controls on your computer
Create a second account for work on your computer, and then use the admin account to set up parental restrictions that block access to particular websites. When you experience the want to look at porn, that speed bump might be enough to make you stop. If you feel compelled, have a friend create a new password for your admin account without telling you what it is.
b. Modify the Host Files
Updating your computer’s host files simply means informing your device that your favorite porn sites are stored on your hard drive. Because these web pages aren’t stored on your computer’s hard disc, When you try to access those addresses, you’ll get a “server not found” notice. It makes no difference which browser you’re using. This strategy has helped me avoid browsing time-wasting websites like Twitter with amazing success. For years, I’ve had them blacklisted in my host files. I used to go back to those sites out of habit, but I gradually quit, and now I don’t even want to go there.
While this procedure is reversible, changing it is a pain in the neck. You’ll have to go through the rigmarole below every time you wish to access your blacklisted sites, then “comment out” your inserted lines in your host file (add a # to the beginning of the lines).
Conclusion
I hope you found this series on the science of pornography to be informative or at the very least entertaining. For those of you who have tried and failed to kick the porn habit, I hope we’ve given you some new insights into why it’s been so difficult; understanding why porn is so appealing and why you have the habit in the first place can go a long way toward removing some of porn’s psychological power over you.
Even if you don’t believe pornography is evil or that you have a problem with it, I hope you found this information useful. Our culture’s perception of porn is often one-dimensional, so it’s always a good exercise to consider the opposing viewpoint. We should begin educating people about the potential downsides of other vices, such as alcohol or tobacco, so that they may make better, more educated decisions regarding their usage of those items. Even if you don’t have a problem with porn, you may know someone who does, and it’s important for parents to openly discuss it with their children so that it doesn’t become a habit.
At the end of the day, that should be our ultimate goal: to approach the use of porn in our life with as much awareness as possible.
What do you think?